Marginal Notes

A ceaseless flow of commentary in an attempt to become thoughtful or empty

February 27, 2004

I know why people are so depressed. It’s the same reason I’m unhappy. Same reason I was unhappy, rather. It’s the mantra, “I’ll be happy when”… I’ll be happy when I graduate high school. I’ll be happy when he’s not so depressed. I’ll be happy when I go to college. I’ll be happy when I get out of Richmond. The truth is graduation wasn’t that great, he may never be happy, VCU is substandard, and Richmond is a typical city. Life is now and it’s inherently bad. So appreciate the short moments in life when you feel…okay. Find happiness in a walk through the ghetto, or the sound of sirens. Get a life or get a 9mm and a plastic tarp.

There’s beauty in both.

February 11, 2004

I’m amazed how easily prescription drugs can be obtained in this country. It seems within the past decade the patient-doctor relationship has mutated into that of an addict-dealer rapport. Crack whores and heroin junkies have become so passé. Why exchange sex for a hit when you can get your fix from the family doctor while insurance picks up the tab? Of course, more doctors breed more drugs. It’s easier if you have a history. The doctors know what you’ve been through. They know what you have to look forward to. It’s simply less of a hassle to solve your predicament with the ‘pharmaceutical solution’. Have a pain? Breast still hurting from the last ‘cut and paste’ session? No problem. These doctors can write out prescriptions faster than you can say Vicodin. The Valium, Xanax, and Prozac are only as far as the local druggist. The good people at the CVS pharmacy will set you up with a wonderful assortment of pills for your ills. Before you know it you’ll be popping Percocet like they’re candy. And while these drugs can be highly addictive, at least you know can blame it on the medical community when you’re checking yourself into rehab. But I’m not too worried about that because like a wise man once said…“life’s hard…then you die”. I might as well have a little help right?

February 08, 2004

Valentine’s Day has to be the worst fucking day of the year. It’s bad enough when you have a boyfriend that doesn’t want to submit to the capitalist regime that’s taken over the country by buying his girlfriend one fucking rose. It’s worse when you’re forced to spend the day alone, eating the enormous box of chocolate you bought yourself, saying it’s not a real holiday, that the card companies made it up on a whim to boost profits which inevitably waned after Christmas. I mean who the fuck is Saint Valentine, anyway?

The stories vary but just about every historian agrees that it started with the Romans. Eight hundred years ago, pubescent boys, celebrating the god Lapercus, would draw from a lottery of girls who were then forced to become their sex slaves for the rest of the year. Quite an orgy no doubt. Something only a man and his heads could think up.

Of course, I’m just bitter about being alone. So all of you who have someone to buy you flowers and candy and take you to dinner, enjoy it while you can.

It doesn’t last.

February 05, 2004

After everything, I cast off to sea
And the tide pulled me out
Into the cosmic, deep blue

Drifting in a straight line
Across the glass surface
That separated the night air
From the black water

The stars pulsated on cue
With the beat of my heart
And my eyes reflected
The white luster they projected

The night was swollen with silence
Except for the sound of
My indigo boat
Passing through the salted
Cloudy water

As I reclined in the bottom
Of my vessel
My mind was tranquil
My body was composed

And then I sat up and gazed over the edge…

And I realized
My heart was not beating
My eyes were not reflecting
My ears were not hearing
And my boat was not a boat

But that I was in a coffer
Floating in space
Looking down at Earth
As it grew smaller and smaller

And I felt a wave of serenity wash over my soul.

February 04, 2004

If life were a carnival, I would be the Ferris wheel. When I’m high I’m in the far reaches of bliss, when I’m down I’m in the lowest echelon of human suffering. I wish I could say that the highs and lows balance each other out but they really can’t be compared. They’re separate entities, each one waiting its turn to bestow its ‘gifts’ upon me. Fortunately, the blues are no longer deep indigo but instead a bearable teal.
As cliché as it sounds it’s the little things that give me my pale green rapture. Today, I saw a gigantic saltwater aquarium full of tropical fish, all of them floating about completely unaware of each other. Each fish endowed with it’s own exotic colors. It was a closed tank, imbedded into the wall, all sound trapped within. Not even the whir of the aerator could be heard. Silence, water, and the swaying plant life created a perfect milieu. At that moment my brain gave me shot of endorphins and euphoria proceeded to march through my veins. Ahhh, my fix was had...

So goes the life of this young woman.

February 02, 2004

I have been sliced open and dismantled. I have been stitched back together. I have suffered. I have caused suffering. I have placed oversized burdens on the backs of those I love.

I have become the witness. I have become the forgotten. I have become the voyeuristic ghost that follows them through their lives. They suppress this realization. They push it back into the alcoves and niches that occupy their minds for the storage of unpleasant thoughts. I have become an afterthought…

This has become the autumn of my life. My friends have fallen away slowly. I have been stripped bare. I have seen the nooks and crannies of my character. Every scar. Every flaw. I have wept uncontrollably with tears of remorse and shame.

I have forgiven. I have started to forget.

I have received my karma.