Marginal Notes

A ceaseless flow of commentary in an attempt to become thoughtful or empty

January 31, 2004

After about a year of defending my staunch atheist beliefs I’m starting to reconsider my position on the existence of a higher being. While I’m still not convinced God is real, I can’t maintain an atheist point of view because as a friend once said, both atheism and belief of a deity require faith in the unknown…

After life…

I hope we don’t all go to a happy, bright, sterile place in the sky as heaven is often portrayed…a gigantic holding cell full of gowned dead people. As far as I’m concerned I didn’t enjoy being with them on earth I won’t enjoy being with them…where ever. I hope we all have our own infinity where we can relive our happiest moment in life. In other words, I hope I can live my purest, most beautiful instant for eternity. Of course, as an agnostic, I can’t believe or hope for any of this but it’s a nice thought...

When the he and the I grew more
And the we and the us grew less
I wove my love into a blanket
To keep folded inside my chest.

If I make it long enough I can use it as a veil.
Otherwise it can shroud my face in darkness.
Someone old, someone new
Someone buried, someone blue.

As much as I want us both to be happy
I know we’re cut from the same cloth
In these fabrics of ours
The strands of happiness will always be too short...

January 30, 2004

I’m fucking famished. I’m starving for real relationships. I’m sick of acquaintances. I’m sick of just knowing people. I’m also fed up with being someone’s filler. Fuck all of you who use me to fill the gaps in your social life!… I never get to do anything with them. I just have to hear them bitch and moan about their love life, or how lacking their social life is. Social Life. At least you have a fucking social life. I’m sick of going places BY MYSELF. I’m sick of asking people if they want to hang out just to be rejected. And I’m sick of hearing the phrase, “meeting people is easy”. Bullshit. I have been used and abused beyond my limit and I’m fucking sick and tired of it. Good day to you all.

Two men sit in a diner waiting for their food. They’re both well dressed and have a look of money about them although you couldn’t tell from their speech. The waitress finally brings them their food and walks off.

Ed: ‘Bout fucking time. I’m sittin’ here starvin’ to death.

Bernie: Man, You ain’t fucking starvin’ to death. Shut the fuck up and eat…Lemme tell my story …So, have I told you ‘bout this mothafucker I deliver to every month?

Ed: Naw, man, you ain’t told me ‘bout him.

Bernie: Well, I got this guy that I meet every third Saturday of the month. He orders the good shit. We ain’t talkin’ ‘bout no half piece or g-rock either. He wants a brick, a fuckin’ kilo, man.

Ed: A fuckin’ brick?! A fuckin’ brick of up town?

Burnie: Heh, heh, I know man, I know. Anyway, he always wants to be real careful right? So he pays me extra to come to him. He’s got this empty warehouse ‘bout 50 miles outta town. I mean there is NOTHIN’ ‘round this mothafucker.

Ed: Damn, that’s some serious shit, I don’t blame the mothafucker.

Bernie: Yeah. So anyway, every month we meet in the back office of this building. And lemme tell you this place gives me the fuckin’ creeps, man. There ain’t no windows in this place, ‘s like the tomb of death up in that bitch.

Ed: (Laughs) Bernie, man, you always were easy to fuck with.

Bernie: This ain’t no fuckin’ joke, motherfucker. (looks pissed off) So, four days ago I go there to meet him and deliver the shit at this warehouse. Now, this back room we meet in has some fucked up shit goin’ on. I mean this office must a been a mothafuckin’ vault back in the day.

Ed: Whadaya mean? What’s wrong with it?

Bernie: Well, at the entrance of this room is a fuckin’ metal door. You know, like in that movie, like the door Leatherface has on his fucked up butcher shop. It slides shut.

Ed: Yeah, man. I know what you mean. That was one fucked up movie man. (laughs) So, what else…

Bernie: Right, well this door doesn’t open from the inside so we can never shut it. And remember, this place ain’t got no fuckin’ windows so he turns on these florescent lights. It’s one fucked up atmosphere for a deal. It’s like being on fish row. Gives me the fuckin’ chills. Anyway, last Saturday, I go to meet him. This mothafucker is always late so when he isn’t there I don’t sweat. Well, there was this office chair. Leather, really nice in the middle of this room, so I sit down...
TO BE CONTINUED...

January 29, 2004

Lately, I've been waiting for life to happen...love, friendship, creativity. Everyday, I sit in this room, in this city. I peek through the blinds and watch the people below and I remember. I have sat in this river, anchored to the bottom as life flowed by. Today, I let myself go and float down stream...